I enjoyed all of your posts from last week, as we transitioned into this New Year with boldness and grace (or, for me at least, a defeated nap and a cat spooning on my chest). Mercy, I liked your post- the ukulele song made me smile, since I am a burgeoning prodigy on said instrument ;). It was a bit short, but that was okay because we got to see your lovely faces on Tuesday anyway. Rosie and Grace, your posts made me a bit nostalgic, yet also happy in the anticipation of what's to come in 2015.
It's five days into the new year already. And I'm not going to lie- it doesn't feel like anything has changed, for the better at least. I've become more moody and cynical about love, I've been sleeping too much and drinking lots of tea and coffee and writing my feelings down in the TFiOS journal John got me for Christmas. Depression is settling in like the bitter cold of the January air, seeping into my bones, making me fret and cry because I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
This winter, things will be different. I go back to school the day after tomorrow, and hopefully I'll get so caught up in studying that I'll forget I was ever even sad. I still have this blog to write on, I have new friends at school and a new haircut and things to look forward to.
And yet.
I'm such a party pooper*. I'm always the one who takes the fun out of everything for myself. I am my biggest bully; I say "I can never be happy, I don't deserve it" and curl up in a ball on the couch, sleeping away my self-doubt and disappointment.
I don't know, gurls. I just have this lurking suspicion that it's not all going to work out, that I'll get hurt somehow and never, ever recover. I am terrified of so many things- losing my faith, falling too deeply in love with someone I'm not supposed to spend forever with, screwing it up big time in nursing school, gaining a little weight. I know that the only way for me to not fear so much is to have the same attitude as Christ (Philippians 2) but good God, that is so much easier said than done.
I think I've reached the point in my faith where I actually want to be like Jesus. To live a life of purity, hang out with the outcasts, turn water into wine and weeping into laughter, all because of the incomprehensible love that set me free that I just can't seem to wrap my head around.
I have reached the end of me. It's time I got my head out of the clouds and just went for it, pursued the life God intended for me with the courage He is calling me to. Doing so is the only way I may someday beat this ever-present darkness.
This post was very personal and grim. And I apologize. But I can't think of anything else with this elephant overcrowding the room that is my mind.
...Whatever. Mercy, I'll see you tomorrow.
--Laura
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