I think I got everything out

Hey guys gurls.

I'm really happy that Laura kind of gave a beautiful overview of the week on Monday and now I don't have to worry about that and I can just let my thoughts spill out everywhere and collect them in a semi-nice pile right here on this post. And hopefully it will make sense and it won't take me too long and I won't cry. That is my wish and prayer.


Okay.

Here's my thoughts on THP.


I went into THP with fear, doubts and not very high expectations. I was so excited for the whole week before and that's all I talked about but then on Sunday I started to feel this fear and doubt come creeping in and suddenly, I wasn't quite as excited. Then, the team I was so excited for, started to bum me out and Sunday nights worship service wasn't great. Things were building up so that for the first couple hours, I wasn't ready for the missions trip thing. But it quickly all changed. I think it started when I discovered that our team was exactly what I needed. I knew everybody and I liked everybody but I suddenly began to know everyone a bit better. See different sides to them. And something about our team was 100% perfect. I don't think I've missed group of people SO much in my entire life. If I don't talk to at least of those people each day, I get really sad. And I'm not exactly sure why that is. But it just sorta happened like that. And I think that's one of the bigger reasons why THP was so great for me. I've said it before, but I need to say it again, God knew what he was doing when he put the teams together. And we were so incredibly stupid to think otherwise. We complained about it and we couldn't get over it, but then I think we all became so overly thankful for the way the groups were set up and I feel ashamed that I doubted Gods perfect plan. We laughed, cried, served, loved, grew, changed, taught and learned. And I'm beyond grateful for those amazing people.


Another big thing would have to be on Wednesday night. Now.... you gurls know that I don't cry. So the fact that I was bawling my pretty little eyes out was something new. And I've talked to people about that night, and they've all agreed that it wasn't something where we all just got swept up in the emotional feeling. God was there. And he was working. In all of us.
I've struggled with others past mistakes, making me feel small, inferior, ugly person. I worry about how others see me and I worry about never finding a guy who will love me forever. I worry about my past and talking to people for such stupid reasons. And there are so many things that pile up that keep me from living freely in Christ. And it's a really sucky feeling. And I've always tried to push past it but I finally managed to fully be free as I lay on the floor of South Church, surrounded by the people who I love and who love me, tears streaming down my face in uncontrollable sobs. I was finally able to realize that God is always with me and I've been freed from the hurts and mistakes that others have made in my past. And I can release those feelings and be free. I also was able to let myself know that I am a beautiful daughter of a God and Father. And He loves me and cherishes me the way I have been created. Which is something that I haven't been able to let myself know for a long time.


Basically, this week wasn't perfect. There were bumps in it and I struggled in ways that I didn't see coming and there where some hard and humbling times. But that's what was awesome. God confronted me and it was necessary. And the people weren't perfect. (even though our group was nearly perfect). The guys were (and are still) obsessed with Disco Zoo and spent a lot of time playing that, Clayton and Laura were "fighting" the whole time, David got One Direction stuck up in my head all week, and Rose sat in a bush. (who's brilliant idea was that???) But in all it's dysfunctional glory, I miss it. Far too much.
And gurls, I feel like through this trip, we've gotten even closer. Because we've united in something far bigger than any of us. And as David said, service brings people closer. That common goal of bringing Christs light into a dark city is what brought us closer. That unity that we were all a part of. And... I can't even begin to express how... grateful I am. But more than grateful, I'm empowered, I'm inspired, I'm beyond happy, and I'm even sad. Sad that we don't live this way all the time.
But I'm trying to learn from it and take what I've learned. Sara and I started reading Habakkuk together over our different quiet times. And, though it hasn't been going perfectly, I'm glad that we started it.

I think that THP2014 is something that will stick with me for a really long time. I was really inspired to get connected in Hartford and help out more. I'm going to be a senior in the fall which gives me the right to boss everyone else around. So hopefully, we'll get the youth group into the city more than just once a year during THP. I was telling my Grandma about Gardner's House and she was really interested in volunteering there (as am I) and so I emailed Maggie today and hopefully we'll be able to go there some this summer and even into the school year and get involved over there.

Okay, I think I'm done. For now. I'll keep journaling, keep thinking about it and I might even write another post about it on my separate blog if I think of anything else to say. I know that this was messy and pretty choppy but that's still how my thoughts are. Swirling from all the experiences and all the love and everything.

And I'm counting down the days until next year

<3 Grace

Well this post....is a post...crap I CAN'T THINK OF A TITLE!

It's hump day! My fingers have never been happier to type those words!!!!!

It's actually Tuesday, because Curly-Q's post inspired me.

Well, I'm going to dive into my post like Tom Daley dived into my heart in the London Olympics (because he's a diver...get it? ...anyone?....anyone...?...Bueller....?)

So can anyone guess what I'm going to post about?

Of course you can because you have brains. Unless of course the Zombie apocalypses has started by the time I post this and the zombies have eaten your brains.

In that case, let me confirm, I'm post about *pause for the dramatic affect* THP.

Alright, enough screwing around, time to get down to business.

Okay, so the Hartford Project was the most amazing experience of my entire life, for many reasons.

This past year, it has come to my attention that for my entire life there is one thing that I have always struggled with. One thing that has haunted me for as long as I can remember. As most of you know, I'm the youngest of 6. And don't get me wrong, I love my family. But the problem with being the youngest, is I've always had this huge inferiority complex. All the people I spent the majority of my time with knew more than me because, they were all older than me. So for as long as I can remember, I've felt like a complete and utter idiot. I was never going to be as smart as Laura or Mary-Kate so I didn't see the point in trying. And at certain times, I didn't see the point in living. I hung out with this really awful group of girls who made me feel like crap, because I was the smart one in the group, and it was nice to feel like I knew something for once. But these friends, they just hurt me. They made me feel alone. I know I shared some of this Tuesday night, but I'm going to share it again because I need to process this, so bare with me.  I remember a particular day in the 7th grade, I was sitting on my bed staring up at the ceiling, and I cried out to God, I said Lord, send me someone. Send me a friend. And in the next year, Laurajay came back into my life, and we became far better friends, and that was amazing. But I still felt like I was missing something. And my faith was nowhere near where I wanted it to be. There where times were I felt like it was alright, but then it would fall apart again. And it went on like this for a while until a couple of months ago I just had this weird urge to read my bible. And from that way forward God began fixing the faith that was once so broken. And on Tuesday, at Glory Chapel, I realized God was that friend I was looking for. God was always there. God didn't think I was stupid. God loved me despite my brokenness and in that moment that was finally enough for me.

On a slightly unrelated note, for the past 3-ish months I've thought God was calling me to missions. Unfortunately, the clouds haven't parted and a divine voice hasn't been like "Rose go be a teacher in South America!" So I wasn't quite sure. So I've been praying for a while for God to send me a sign. And yes I've gotten some, but I was kind of hoping for like, a burning bush. And on Wednesday night, as you all know, this guy got up on the stage and was like "All of you who think God wants you to be missionaries and pastors and such things," (he didn't literally say that I'm paraphrasing) "Raise your hands." And that was my burning bush. I just remember this feeling of complete and utter joy. It was rather fantastic.

I could go on, but I shan't. I bid thee ado.

Grace, I'm looking forward to your post tomorrow!

Gurl please -Rose.

He set a fire

Good morning gurls, it's Tuesday.

Actually, it's not. It's Monday evening, but I just finished reading Laura's amazing post and I got so inspired and excited to post that I just had to start now.
Which I actually do a lot. Huh.

ANYWAY, today there will be a lack of goofy GIF's and pictures, random rambling and fangirling from me- because I have BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO.

Yes I do.

The Hartford Project 2014

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
AH
AH
AHHH
AHHH
That's always my first reaction to those words.
GAHHH!!

I am so, so, so beyond grateful for my experience last week..it was honestly one of the best weeks of my life and I will always remember it- I am also so freaking excited for next year!

And, I mean, I'll be honest- I wasn't exactly pleased with me team from the beginning, but I tried going in with a positive attitude, and it actually turned out to be awesome- sure, there was some conflict, and I sometimes felt excluded from the people I wanted to be around, but I pushed past my stupid little worries and tried focusing on the bigger picture-
Serving the city of Hartford that so badly needed the love of Christ and the people of Christ, and just making the most of the week.
And I think I did that fairly well.

I just... I can't understand how I was living so far away from Christ for so long. I mean, yes, the pleasures of the world are nice- for a time. But there is always this nagging guilt that I shouldn't just be living in what I'm living in- being unproductive, not doing anything with your day, wasting words on nasty things....

With Christ, you get a whole new perspective on everything. I try and be kinder with my words. I try and spend my time more wisely on the internet. I have a heart for mission now and I want to volunteer at every place I can- I mean, weeding has suddenly become easy!!

I have friends who are starting to struggle with the things I just let go during THP and my heart aches when they come to me, seeking help- I'm just like

 

Can't you see how much God loves you?!?! Don't do that, ah- ah- No, don't!! God loves you, he wants you to be with him and he wants to keep you safe! And it frustrates me that they don't see, but I also know that God is working in their life, and that he will help them through the struggles, just like he helped me.

And at the same time, during THP, I saw some of my closest friends let go of what was holding them back from the unfathomable love of Christ and it makes me so, sooo, so, so happy because knowing that they'd been struggling with all that stuff for so long and had been on nearly the last straw, and then to seem them just let it go (LET IT GO, CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMOOREE)... it just made me so freaking happy. To see that God had worked in their life like that..... ♥ happiness everywhere ♥

I have to pee


 I guess God has just set a fire in my soul, that I can't contain, that I can't control, and I want more of him- God.
That wasn't supposed to sound cheesy- it's supposed to sound real, because it is real.

AUUUUUUGHHH SO MANY GOOD, GODLY EMOTIONS I CAN'T.

Guys, guys  gurls, gurls- I am literally FANGIRLING over Jesus Christ. THIS IS SO WEIRD BUT FANTASTIC AT THE SAME TIME.

I don't know how to feeeeeellll except HAPPY.

HAH. I just got Happy by Pharrell stuck in your head.

okay so now listen to this song so you won't have Happy stuck in your head.

This song is beautiful and wonderful and y'all should listen to it forever <3

SO CUTE

Okay I have to go. I love you all.

LOVE WINS.

xoxo
Mercy

My Heart(ford) beats anew

    And we're back!  
    Yes, it's my (Laura's) Monday, and yes, I can and will overuse Hartford puns always and forever.
    As promised two weeks ago, this post will be entirely devoted to The Hartford Project. I intend to do my best, debriefing and sharing experiences and not crying all over the keyboard of my mom's laptop while I'm at it. So, here goes:

The Foursome Takes On THP2014

our pre-THP car selfies, because we never got a picture of just us four together last week

    I don't even know where to begin. Isn't it strange to think that this time last week, we were just starting out? I remember when we got the list of teams for the week, texting Gracie and Sara and celebrating because we were on the same one, being majorly upset because Mercy was taken away from us, looking over the names of our fellow team members and thinking, "Who are these kids?"
    Then, on that first night of THP, I found out that we would be combined with John's team- a major struggle for me. Don't get me wrong, I love my little brother. I would take a bullet for him and give him the shirt off my back (even though it would be too small) if ever he needed me to. We just don't always...mesh well, in public, and I know it's my fault because the only thing standing between most of us and Christ-centered community is ourselves. I felt genuine dread, not only because I would have to put up with John all week, but also because I didn't know anyone else on his team.
    But God heard my plea. He listened to the worries of my churning heart and met me right where I was. He knew exactly what He was doing, splitting us gurls up, putting my pill of a brother and several perfect strangers on a team with me. Our team turned out to be an amazingly diverse group of hilarious, compassionate people, who despite their differences had the same value at the core of their beings: to love and serve the extraordinary God who assembled us to do His work in Hartford. Who knew I would be on the verge of tears when we prayed together and said goodbye on Thursday night? Who knew our humor would make weeding and book-sorting a memorable experience? Who knew I would grow to love every single member of Team D for their unique gifts and talents? Only God. He made a fantastic community out of these people, most of whom had only been names on a piece of paper to me just a few days before.
 

the best people. Sans Mercy.

   What most people want to know is, what did we do?

    The shorter question to answer would be, what didn't we do?

    We didn't: have any drama, unless you count all the bickering between Clayton and I, which was ultimately good-humored, at least on my side. And we didn't get an adequate amount of sleep- trying to stretch out in a narrow (albeit cushioned) church pew without falling is neither easy nor comfortable. And we, the Foursome, didn't have a lot of time alone together, which is why I'm glad we have this blog, so we can really dialogue about what we learned during THP, and what God did in us and through us while we were apart.

    We did: weed the parking lot for the Gardner House ministry, and were able to meet and pray with the amazing woman who runs it. We went to dinner at the beautiful home of a family in the Hartford area, and signed our names on their door. We went to Elizabeth Park and took some beautiful pictures under the rose arches:

Jonathan, the beautifullest.

    And that was only Monday.

    Tuesday we had the car wash at the Citadel of Love, showers at the YMCA, and dinner out at Ichiban- and although all of that was lovely, the worship service at Glory Chapel that night was my favorite. Pastor Elizer's wife spoke on a topic that God has really laid on my heart lately: letting go of the past. I shared a bit in our church meeting later that night, and with Mercy right before lights out, about how I have struggled with shame for my whole life. I didn't realize this was a problem until I went on my missions trip over spring break, where we learned about human trafficking. We heard so many testimonies of women who overcame their shame after escaping the sex trade, and I began to think, "if these women, who have been through far worse seasons of life than I, can let go of their past, then why can't I?" I have been a supremely awkward sinner for my entire life, and I thought that made me the worst person alive. So I spent my adolescence in hiding. Hiding in my room whenever Annie was on a rampage, not realizing that my older sister's angry behavior was in no way normal. Hiding my growing body under baggy clothes, changing outfits whenever Mary-Kate told me I looked ridiculous because I wanted so badly to be just like her. Hiding from my friends, thinking nobody wanted to be near me. Hiding my pain and trying not to be an inconvenience, taking out my pent-up aggression on schoolwork and running and the occasional panic attack. 

    All of that came to a climax on Tuesday night. I just kind of...broke. Broke down crying at the altar, letting out all the pain and embarrassment I have felt these last few years. I realized that everyone is as broken and gross in their sin as I am. The death of Jesus Christ on the cross was too extravagant a cost for me to wallow in self-disgust. And so, as I transition from high school to college, I am letting go. I am forgiving myself. I am healing, thanks to the God who brought me to THP.
    After Tuesday night my whole perspective changed, not only on THP but on my life. Wednesday we worked at the YMCA, cleaning and organizing and having a ball (of course). That night was the Love Wins barbecue, which got rained out. Initially I was disappointed and annoyed that God didn't defer the thunderstorm, but then something really cool happened: many of us volunteers gathered in the middle of the blocked off street and started singing praise and worship songs. I got soaked, but the experience was worth it. I thought it strangely symbolic, how although our plans changed and we were in the middle of a storm, God met us there and we were able to glorify Him, raising our hands and voices in unity for the sake of our Creator.

    Thursday was bittersweet. We performed on the steps of the Old State House as a Gospel choir, and I sweated bullets and lost my voice but it was worth it, because we were able to joyfully minister to the Hartford community. After lunch we walked to Bushnell Park and spent most of the afternoon under the shade of some lovely old trees, talking and signing each other's shirts and relaxing (and taking a quick ride on the carousel). I kept thinking about how I was not thinking about this being our last day together, how we would leave tonight and fold back up into our old lives. I would head south, leaving behind all these new, Godly friendships, and not see most of them for a very long time, if not ever again. Somehow I managed to have a great time on Thursday, saying goodbye without any tears.

    But now? I am in the throes of Post-The-Hartford-Project-Depression. I keep obsessively checking Facebook and Instagram, friending and following all those people who were a part of the most catalytic week of my summer. I sang "When Will My Life Begin" as I cleaned the bathrooms today, like we did just four days ago. Every conversation I have had since I got home has had to do with The Hartford Project, or at least reminded me of it, and I sort of want to cry.

    I just...miss it, gurls. I miss Sara eating all but one piece of the dark chocolate I brought, I miss all the boys on our team playing Disco Zoo, I even miss hating Clayton- That's how bad my PTHPD is. I know I got so much more out of being in Hartford than the city ever did. But God had a purpose for last week, for me and my walk with Him and my specific strengths and weaknesses. And for that I am forever grateful. :)

    This was a long post. But I had a lot to say- So many of thoughts pertaining to The Hartford Project swirl through my brain, and I have done my best to gather them up and transfer them, from palm to pen to paper to post (try saying that five times fast). I hope my words didn't bore you, and I can't wait to hear from Mercy tomorrow, about THP from her perspective, from all of your perspectives- our friendship has been beyond a blessing to me, because through it we have been able to change the world.

    (On a random sidenote, I feel like we're like the men who wrote the Gospels, four bystanders sharing an experience with similar, but different feedback about the whole thing. Just a thought).

--Laura :')