Writing a cockney accent is hard okay?

(It's hump day!)

...when a large cannonball sallied past her head, and landed with a splash in the water on the other side of the boat. The chubby little sailor, that Miranda had been talking to, let out a high pitch scream and fainted dead away. Upon hearing the thud of the little man hitting the deck, a large man with a spectacular mustache came running.

His stache was very similar to that of Teddy Roosevelt's.

"Oh why did I have to be the first mate of a ship with a cap'n who's 'fraid of 'is own shadow?" Asked mustache man in  a thick cockney accent. "I never wanted to be cap'n, but now I am every time this one faints. Oh God above 'elp me," he said crossing himself. The first mate looked up and saw Miranda, who was staring at his mustache in awe. "Oi, who are you?" He asked, over the sound of the gun fire that was now being exchanged by the two ship's crews.
"I'm, um....I uh.." Stuttered Miranda.
"Why are ye in a weddin' dress?"
"Because I, uh..."
"Ye're a pirate spy, ain't ye?"
"No! I'm um...."
"James! Come 'ere, we got ourselves a pirate spy!" Yelled the first mate. He drew a large cutlass from his scabbard and pointed it directly at Miranda's throat. "I'm 'fraid I'm goin' to 'ave to kill you. I 'ate to do it, 'cause yer a pretty lass, but I don't fink it can be avoided." As he said these words a small, boy of about 17 came running. He was frightfully thin, and painfully awkward looking.
"I'm here first mate Pepper, what do you need?" Said the boy, his voice cracking as he noticed Miranda. Pepper opened his mouth to reply when a man, a pirate actually, came flying onto the deck on a rope, in a Tarzan-like manner. He landed gracefully on the deck, drew his sword with a flourish, and pointed it at Pepper's chin. He was a good looking young man with a long flowing mane of  brown hair. (I'm not saying he's Jared Padelecki).

(But he's Jared Padelecki)

"You're the captain I presume?" Said the pirate. Pepper squeaked in reply and dropped his cutlass. "Please sir, surrender your ship, or I shall have to take it by force." Said the elegant pirate. Pepper found his voice.
"I'm not the cap'n sir, 'e is." He said gesturing to the captain who was still lying motionless on the deck. Jared The pirate laughed in response.
"He's your captain? Then this ship shall be easier to capture then I thought." The pirate noticed Miranda, who was watching the conversation as though it was a tennis match. The pirate gave a sweeping bow.
"I did not realize there was a lady aboard. I bid thee greetings fair maiden. I'm Samuel Manchester." He said with another bow. He paused for a second, and said, "I fear I'm being rather abrupt in saying this, but you are indeed a fine lady." Miranda, who was sick of compliments from men found her voice and replied...

(Grace, I'm looking forward to your continuation of this story tomorrow! -Rose).