My Heart(ford) beats anew

    And we're back!  
    Yes, it's my (Laura's) Monday, and yes, I can and will overuse Hartford puns always and forever.
    As promised two weeks ago, this post will be entirely devoted to The Hartford Project. I intend to do my best, debriefing and sharing experiences and not crying all over the keyboard of my mom's laptop while I'm at it. So, here goes:

The Foursome Takes On THP2014

our pre-THP car selfies, because we never got a picture of just us four together last week

    I don't even know where to begin. Isn't it strange to think that this time last week, we were just starting out? I remember when we got the list of teams for the week, texting Gracie and Sara and celebrating because we were on the same one, being majorly upset because Mercy was taken away from us, looking over the names of our fellow team members and thinking, "Who are these kids?"
    Then, on that first night of THP, I found out that we would be combined with John's team- a major struggle for me. Don't get me wrong, I love my little brother. I would take a bullet for him and give him the shirt off my back (even though it would be too small) if ever he needed me to. We just don't always...mesh well, in public, and I know it's my fault because the only thing standing between most of us and Christ-centered community is ourselves. I felt genuine dread, not only because I would have to put up with John all week, but also because I didn't know anyone else on his team.
    But God heard my plea. He listened to the worries of my churning heart and met me right where I was. He knew exactly what He was doing, splitting us gurls up, putting my pill of a brother and several perfect strangers on a team with me. Our team turned out to be an amazingly diverse group of hilarious, compassionate people, who despite their differences had the same value at the core of their beings: to love and serve the extraordinary God who assembled us to do His work in Hartford. Who knew I would be on the verge of tears when we prayed together and said goodbye on Thursday night? Who knew our humor would make weeding and book-sorting a memorable experience? Who knew I would grow to love every single member of Team D for their unique gifts and talents? Only God. He made a fantastic community out of these people, most of whom had only been names on a piece of paper to me just a few days before.
 

the best people. Sans Mercy.

   What most people want to know is, what did we do?

    The shorter question to answer would be, what didn't we do?

    We didn't: have any drama, unless you count all the bickering between Clayton and I, which was ultimately good-humored, at least on my side. And we didn't get an adequate amount of sleep- trying to stretch out in a narrow (albeit cushioned) church pew without falling is neither easy nor comfortable. And we, the Foursome, didn't have a lot of time alone together, which is why I'm glad we have this blog, so we can really dialogue about what we learned during THP, and what God did in us and through us while we were apart.

    We did: weed the parking lot for the Gardner House ministry, and were able to meet and pray with the amazing woman who runs it. We went to dinner at the beautiful home of a family in the Hartford area, and signed our names on their door. We went to Elizabeth Park and took some beautiful pictures under the rose arches:

Jonathan, the beautifullest.

    And that was only Monday.

    Tuesday we had the car wash at the Citadel of Love, showers at the YMCA, and dinner out at Ichiban- and although all of that was lovely, the worship service at Glory Chapel that night was my favorite. Pastor Elizer's wife spoke on a topic that God has really laid on my heart lately: letting go of the past. I shared a bit in our church meeting later that night, and with Mercy right before lights out, about how I have struggled with shame for my whole life. I didn't realize this was a problem until I went on my missions trip over spring break, where we learned about human trafficking. We heard so many testimonies of women who overcame their shame after escaping the sex trade, and I began to think, "if these women, who have been through far worse seasons of life than I, can let go of their past, then why can't I?" I have been a supremely awkward sinner for my entire life, and I thought that made me the worst person alive. So I spent my adolescence in hiding. Hiding in my room whenever Annie was on a rampage, not realizing that my older sister's angry behavior was in no way normal. Hiding my growing body under baggy clothes, changing outfits whenever Mary-Kate told me I looked ridiculous because I wanted so badly to be just like her. Hiding from my friends, thinking nobody wanted to be near me. Hiding my pain and trying not to be an inconvenience, taking out my pent-up aggression on schoolwork and running and the occasional panic attack. 

    All of that came to a climax on Tuesday night. I just kind of...broke. Broke down crying at the altar, letting out all the pain and embarrassment I have felt these last few years. I realized that everyone is as broken and gross in their sin as I am. The death of Jesus Christ on the cross was too extravagant a cost for me to wallow in self-disgust. And so, as I transition from high school to college, I am letting go. I am forgiving myself. I am healing, thanks to the God who brought me to THP.
    After Tuesday night my whole perspective changed, not only on THP but on my life. Wednesday we worked at the YMCA, cleaning and organizing and having a ball (of course). That night was the Love Wins barbecue, which got rained out. Initially I was disappointed and annoyed that God didn't defer the thunderstorm, but then something really cool happened: many of us volunteers gathered in the middle of the blocked off street and started singing praise and worship songs. I got soaked, but the experience was worth it. I thought it strangely symbolic, how although our plans changed and we were in the middle of a storm, God met us there and we were able to glorify Him, raising our hands and voices in unity for the sake of our Creator.

    Thursday was bittersweet. We performed on the steps of the Old State House as a Gospel choir, and I sweated bullets and lost my voice but it was worth it, because we were able to joyfully minister to the Hartford community. After lunch we walked to Bushnell Park and spent most of the afternoon under the shade of some lovely old trees, talking and signing each other's shirts and relaxing (and taking a quick ride on the carousel). I kept thinking about how I was not thinking about this being our last day together, how we would leave tonight and fold back up into our old lives. I would head south, leaving behind all these new, Godly friendships, and not see most of them for a very long time, if not ever again. Somehow I managed to have a great time on Thursday, saying goodbye without any tears.

    But now? I am in the throes of Post-The-Hartford-Project-Depression. I keep obsessively checking Facebook and Instagram, friending and following all those people who were a part of the most catalytic week of my summer. I sang "When Will My Life Begin" as I cleaned the bathrooms today, like we did just four days ago. Every conversation I have had since I got home has had to do with The Hartford Project, or at least reminded me of it, and I sort of want to cry.

    I just...miss it, gurls. I miss Sara eating all but one piece of the dark chocolate I brought, I miss all the boys on our team playing Disco Zoo, I even miss hating Clayton- That's how bad my PTHPD is. I know I got so much more out of being in Hartford than the city ever did. But God had a purpose for last week, for me and my walk with Him and my specific strengths and weaknesses. And for that I am forever grateful. :)

    This was a long post. But I had a lot to say- So many of thoughts pertaining to The Hartford Project swirl through my brain, and I have done my best to gather them up and transfer them, from palm to pen to paper to post (try saying that five times fast). I hope my words didn't bore you, and I can't wait to hear from Mercy tomorrow, about THP from her perspective, from all of your perspectives- our friendship has been beyond a blessing to me, because through it we have been able to change the world.

    (On a random sidenote, I feel like we're like the men who wrote the Gospels, four bystanders sharing an experience with similar, but different feedback about the whole thing. Just a thought).

--Laura :')