Good morning girls, it's Tuesday.
So I've decided that I hate posting after Laura, because after reading something that lovely-written and maybe slightly ramble-y but beautifully done so, how can anything I write compare? (It can't.)
But I guess I'll have to put up with it.
So I know in the rule book it says we
can't post if we're seriously depressed or moody.. but it also says
that we can't post if we may become pregnant and I'm pretty sure all
of us will become pregnant at some point in our lives, so there.
Plus, this is something I really need to talk about, even if I'm
being depressed. And I'm not even depressed- I'm just lost.
So I've not been.. the closest to God
lately. I'm past the stage of denying it, of ignoring it or trying to
act like everything it okay- because it's not.
Our youth group is doing a bible study
called Experiencing God and you're supposed to read a little section
every day and then we meet on Sundays to talk about it- because each
chapter is a weeks worth of lessons.
Well, I started
it. And I did like the first two weeks and then I got busy with
school and I couldn't find (I am not
a Hufflepuff) time to do it, but then that lead into 'oh I don't want
to do it today..' and that lead into just... not doing it at all.
This
is hard to talk about but.. I don't
want to do it. It's not that I don't want to be near God or have a
good relationship with him, because right now that's the thing I want
the most. I want it so
bad. But it's so hard. And that's what I need to get over- if I want
a good relationship with God, if I want to be near him, hear him, to
do his will.. I have to be willing to fight for it. No one ever said
this would be easy, this whole God thing. It's not
easy. But if we truly want it, we'll fight for it, right?
Right
now, I'm losing that fight. I'm not giving an effort, I'm letting my
temptations, my worries, my insecurities get to me, I'm letting them
gnaw away at me, get under my skin, I'm letting them effect me- I'm
letting them win. And
it's killing me, slowly. At first I just say 'oh, it's normal, I can
fight it.' but then the less I pray, the less I read the bible, the
less I talk to God, they get
worse, I feel worse about myself, I punish myself, blame myself for
everything that goes wrong in my life and it's not something I can
cope with for much longer. I'm afraid I'm just going to give up
eventually. I'll stop trying- even less then I am now- and.. you know
what happens after that. Nothing good.
So I guess I could
use some prayer and stuff.
“Spirit. lead me
where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters
wherever you will call me..”
xoxo, Mercy
Dear Mercy,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, that song. Good lord. So amazing. We actually just sang it at my church today...powerful.
Second off, I wish I had read this post before now so we could have talked about it when I was home last weekend...Although we did have some good conversations, but I wish you would have brought this up 'cause I'm here for you to listen or give advice or chocolate or whatever it is you need.
Thirdly, you have a very mature perspective for your age and I wish I had had that when I was your age. Like Gracie said in her reply to you, the way you're passionate about your faith and really care makes you stand out among your peers, because so many people don't care when they're that age...so the fact that you do is amazing.
Don't give up hope...there will always be seasons of doubt and despair...this might be the first, but it definitely won't be the last for you. Don't feel bad about not reading your bible or praying. Honestly, sometimes it's good to take a break from that because we get so sure that if we just pray a little more and read an extra chapter a day that we'll then get right with God. It's not true. You can read and pray all you want but it ain't gonna do a thing. So don't feel like you have to keep that up, because if the desire to do that is not there, it's not gonna do a whole lot.
How I deal with things like this is I look for God. I make a conscious effort to find him in *every* area of life...even if it's a ray of sun coming in through the window, the delicious taste of dinner, even in the joy you find in fangirling...it sounds poetic and cliche, but when you're seeking Him in every area of your life, you begin to find him. Because everything beautiful and pure is from him....even the Doctor. And if we recognize it as Him and take joy in Him through those things, you begin to feel a lot more at peace because you see your King all around you and you begin to see his taste in beauty, his deep, burning and pursuing love and also his sense of humor. Seeing God's character is one of the greatest ways to experience Him. And it takes awhile...it does. But don't be afraid to be afraid or to doubt. What kind of a god would he be if we had him all figured out and didn't have to ask questions? He'd be a god we could understand...and that's no god, that's an idol.
Love you sis<3