In which a month of emotions throws up all over the blog post.

Over the past month, I've come to realize that I am a workaholic. Maybe it's because it's all I have to occupy my time these days, or maybe it stems from watching both my parents work endlessly my entire life. Either way, it has consumed me. I like to believe it's because I actually do care a lot about the business I work for, and it may be partially true, but I think boredom and loneliness also contribute to my 40+ work week.
I reread your post, Laura and I think I'm also scared. Actually, I know I'm terrified. I want to travel and I want to do cool things with cooler people. I want to not worry so much about money, and not always be the responsible one.
I hate being the responsible one all the time. I know that in actuality it's who I am and I'll always be this way, but for once, I wish my best friends didn't look at me as the mom friend. I know this sounds really whiny and ridiculously stupid, and "'wow it must be so hard to be good, Grace your struggles are soooo real." and I really do realize this, but I don't know. It's hard to explain. Like, how can I talk about things I'm going through with people who are coming to me to tell me all about how they're currently screwing up their lives? Ugh. I hate myself. I hate how I can't actually talk out my problems, especially with the people who love me the most, and want to know the most. I just feel so stupid, or silly, or embarrassed and things never come out the right way.
Do you even know the amount of time I spend talking to myself? It's weird. I talk out my problems and I solve my problems, and I give myself pep-talks, or sometimes, on exceptionally dark days, I remind myself how much I really suck. But really. It's all day every day that I have to talk things out to myself. It's like, I'm the only one who will really listen without giving an opinion until I'm 1000% done with whatever needs to be said. And even then I don't always give advice, usually I nod and smile and say, "i don't know man."

Honestly guys, I've turned into an emotional mess over the past six months and I hate it. Something has come over me and I am terrible at life and I don't know how anyone puts up with me. I sometimes wish I could just take off and have some space from everything. Work, family, friends, boyfriend.


In some positive words, the spring weather is making me feel better about some things. Like the fact that there are beach days ahead and that ice cream is now socially acceptable to eat multiple times a week. And I can wear dresses more often. And my birthday is now only 4 months away. And it's on a Sunday so I wont have to work, and I can do what I want and appreciate life for a moment and I guess tonight was a terrible time to write a blog post. But I think I say that every month. So I guess nothing has changed.

Laura, if you actually read this, and if you actually made it all the way through this than I applaud you and officially knight you as the best person on the internet with the most patience.
Hopefully you'll write next week again.
<3 Grace

Also I know this is the worst blog post of all time, but it was necessary to just write and cry and listen to Mumford and let someone know a little bit of what goes on in my head.

Sorry there weren't any GIFs.

My name is Laura and I am an idiot.
    I'm also definitely breaking the "no post on Sundays" rule that I so vehemently insisted on making at the beginning of this year.
    But I had it in my mind that I was definitely posting the week of the 4th. And as usual, my math was off and I feel awful, because I got so annoyed that Mercy and Rose didn't post and then I went and did the same exact thing.
    Almost. I almost did the same exact thing. Except I'm here now.
    I'm going to respond to Grace's post now, because it was the only one written this past month:
    Grace, we all have feelings.
    Sometimes our hormones are coasting along perfectly at homeostasis, our menstrual cycle blissfully inactive, with perfect weather and a good song stuck in our heads and a date with The Cute Boy coming up.
    And other times it feels like every day of this past week has been Monday, and we have eleven adult responsibilities to complete, and we're running on crappy coffee and five hours of sleep and our messy buns aren't cute, they're legitimately messy buns.
    And it's important to know that our bad days are just as important as our good ones. That no matter where you're head is, your feelings are valid even if you want to punch a wall, or just curl up into the fetal position and cry.

***

    I understand being frustrated at us for being anemic in regards to remembering to post. And I apologize. I got so caught up in my ridiculous college life that I forgot to make a priority out of something which means so much to me, which I get to do with my three favorite people in the whole wide world.
    And I've been sad lately. I always get sad in the early springtime- the season changes, school gets more intense, and people graduate. These past four semesters have been a wild and wonderful blur, but I can't believe that I'm halfway done with college. Where did my life go? I want to enjoy every possible minute that I have left with the people I've met over the course of these past two years, but I have so much work to do that I can't do it all.
    I want to watch the sunset on the golf course with Rachel. I want to go to Ferris Acres Creamery with Libby. I want to have that Harry Potter movie marathon that Eugene and I have always talked about. I want to have dinner with Liam and Emily because we've been meaning to all semester but we never have the time.
    But I have classes, and I want to be a nurse, but I'm afraid of that transitional period between college and when I move out of my parents' house, because it's going to be scary and depressing and I'll have student loans up the wazoo to pay off.
    And I don't want to just settle down, have a small army of children and die. I want to see the world and make an impact.
    What if I never get to do that?
    For the first time in my life, I'm less afraid of ending up alone than I am of never going on an adventure to save the world.
    My thoughts are heavy tonight. I've been home for the majority of these past 24 hours, and whenever I spend a lot of time here I am reminded of the loneliness I felt in high school. It presses down on me and makes me tearful. I feel like nothing is ever going to change and I'm always going to live with my parents and never change anyone's lives.
    I have to remind myself that those are only lies. That God has a purpose for my life and it is my job to keep the faith and figure out just what He wants from me. But sometimes, when the sunset is just too beautiful or when I haven't seen my friends in awhile, it gets hard to believe.

    ***

    This post was supposed to be something lovely and uplifting but then it wasn't. And I'm sorry, but it's better than nothing.

    Mercy, I can't wait to hear from you this week.

Love, Laura :)

So I guess posting on the blog isn't a thing anymore.

Hi.

I'm in a terrible mood right now. I really shouldn't be posting because I might write something regrettable. Guess we're just gonna have to wait and see right. At least I am taking some time to post though unlike others.

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I have less to say than I thought. It's as if the words have left my mind and soul. I see this continually everyday when I fail to journal in the evenings, or i don't take notes at church despite bringing pen and paper. Even texting people sometimes is too great of an act and I desperately state at my phone waiting for them to start a conversation but then being unable to continue once they do. The fact that I've thought about this blog post everyday this week and am finally getting around to it on Saturday evening. Good job Grace. Round of applause. 

I kind of hate it. I haven't written anything for fun in a long time and I miss it. 

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The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is fabulous. Laura and Rose were so right. We need to watch it together next time we see each other. Speaking of which, I can't even remember the last time I spent time with you girls. It must have been awhile ago but it could've been recently and I just can't remember, that tends to happen a lot. 

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The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. It's what I'm reading right now and it's weird. Good but weird. It seems very Japanese to me which might be an offensive statement to some. Sorry. But it's the truth. Anyway. I'm trying to better my life and my bedroom has come to the point of making me anxious so I figured maybe I need to figure something out and make sown changes. We'll see how that works.

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Okay. The bed calls to me and sleep beckons. 

Goodnight 

<3 Grace 

"Are These Allergies or Am I Crying?" A novel by Laura

Hello friends. Hello March. Hello spring(ish)time.

    Today is Saturday, March 5th. I leave for Roanoke Valley, Virginia, with Habitat for Humanity at 5:30 tomorrow morning. How crazy is that?

The Blue Ridge Mountains

    I'm literally going to be HERE.

    This is over 500 miles away- the farthest I'll ever have been from home. I've never seen real mountains before, as I keep on saying...

Current mood: pre-birthday party disappearance Bilbo

    I am so excited and ready and definitely getting no sleep tonight. This is an incredible opportunity to make the world a better place in a beautiful part of the country, and I could not be happier to be part of such a fun and proactive organization.

    I am also aware that my departure will occur in the wee hours of Rose's seventeenth birthday. But I am being an awesome sister by doing two of Rose's favorite things:

1) leaving her alone (for a WEEK, no less)

2) ordering her macaroni and cheese from Mac n Out

I'm the best sister.

***

    Going along with what Grace mentioned in the end of last week's post- The Foursome seems to have been in a funk. Stuck in a really sad version of the Supernatural episode "The Mystery Spot," where instead of waking up to Asia's Heat of The Moment 400+ times and going through the same day over and over again, our alarms are set to Boston by Augustana and we're reliving the same sadness all the time. To quote Rose's favorite pastor, it's like we're all making "Buttprints in the sand."

    Maybe it's the New England winter blues- did you know this is the only real area of the world where seasonal depression actually occurs? Maybe now that it's March we will all start to come alive again. I know that the tantalizing smell of the springtime breeze always makes me feel well, as it blows through the wind chimes on the patio and the familiar warmth of the sun hits my face and makes the pond sparkle.

    Or maybe we're all at that point in our lives where we wonder if we matter. If what we are doing makes a difference. If we're ever going to experience the world, have adventures, love fully, and make an impact.

    I believe that we matter, simply because we exist. God puts everyone on earth for a reason, we just don't always see what that reason is. 

    It can be challenging to remember that I am a difference-maker. A beloved child of my Creator who has destined me for something wonderful. An ethereal soul whose relationship with the One who breathed her into being makes her untouchable by the thorny trials of the mortal world.

    Hold onto the truth that who you are and what you are doing is not a waste of time.

***

    If I had a dime for every time I have wanted to drop out of school these past few weeks, I would be rich enough to pay off my loans, leave college and open an orphanage in the Middle East. I've had disappointing test grades, moments where I've forgotten how to breathe, and terse conversations with my boyfriend. I've also had professors who have sat and cried right alongside me when I've burst into tears in their office because I am the only person telling myself that I won't be a good nurse. I've had a mother who has tirelessly picked me up and dropped me off at school, day in and day out, and always reminded me to eat, breathe, and take a break when needed. I've had an endlessly patient, Godly man who has loved and supported me unconditionally, even when I've been myopic and dramatic and sad.

    Things are getting better. My grades will and are already pulling through. My anxiety will not get the better of me. I have friends who remind me to enjoy a good meal and watch the sunset and to not be afraid of admitting that I'm not perfect.

***

    I've developed this tendency to cry for other people, which is weird. I think it's because I have always had this habit of feeling sad or happy or embarrassed on other people's behalf, and now I've gotten so good at having too many feelings that I just cry for the sake of my fellow humans, because I think that the more tears I shed, the less other people will.

    Basically, I'm insane.

    Plus it's the start of allergy season, so my eyes are already watery 24/7.

    So, I look like I'm a mess all the time, but it's okay. It's just pollen and humanity. No big deal.

    I'll be okay, and so will you.

    I have to end this post and go to a potluck with my Virginia teammates (!!!!!). Mercy, we'll hear from you next week!

--Laura :)

Life I guess

Friday night and the lights are low, looking out for a place to best watch Netflix.
The anthem of my month pretty much. February has been tough. Surprisingly tough. I spent too many evenings not being able to make myself move from bed, and I cried too many times and I spent too many thoughts negatively towards myself or towards the people I care about the very most. I couldn't, and didn't want to, do anything of significance. It was rough. But I talked it out with two of my best friends. I lay it all out on the table and maybe started yelling for no reason and they sympathized in their own ways and related to my own selfish issues and then they helped me start to get myself out of the nasty hole I dug myself. The simple act of a 'I hope your Monday is amazing' texts are what mean the most.
And although I try to blame all those tears and utter hate for the world on our terrible friend Mama Period, this week when she actually did drop by, has been by far the best week of the month.

I've been working out. Endorphins.

In other news. I'm obsessed with New Girl. Nick is my soul animal and Jess is my soul mate and the amount Hannah and I have been texting about it is embarrassing.
I spent $20 on books after reading Rose's post about We Were Liars.
This song makes me cry.
I babysat last weekend for 3 days and 2 nights and I don't ever want kids.
I've been really good about the food I've been putting in my body and I've been drinking green tea.
I've been reading The Bible more often and trying to remember to pray and things are looking up.
I applied to MCC for their Psych program for next fall.
Spring is coming and I can feel it.
I think the thing I've been learning recently is that life is hard and stupid and complicated. And it sucks. But it's also just life. And learning ways to deal in a healthy manner is the best thing you can do for yourself. Find things that are not only going to make you happy, but are going to give you inspiration and motivation and excitement. Find things to do that will have a lasting impact on your mood. And find the people who can help you feel excited about life.
I know these aren't new ideas but as I was rereading through your girls posts from the month, I saw a similar thread running through them all and I realized that maybe none of us having been doing our best lately. So lovelies, I hope that in March you all have the greatest of months and that maybe things start looking up. I know this is short, but I'm a procrastinator, what can I say? New Girl is calling to me.
I love you all immensely
Laura, we'll hear from you next week
<3 G

Okay so maybe I technically posted this on Sunday but at least I tried this time.

It's that time of the month, I guess.

Also it's Saturday. At 10:43 PM. I suck as a human bean. Also, I'm not proof reading this so you're just going to have to suck it, okay?

Same.

First, let me reply to your posts.
Grace, I entirely relate to your winter blues. There's something about the icky weather and icky effect it has on people that just makes February unbearable.

Laura, like so, being an  adult probably does suck. But like, I also kind of don't think adults really exist because like high school never really ends and all adults are children. But that's just me, like personally.

Donald Trump has convince me that adults don't actually exist.

Mercy, I entirely stand where you're coming from. I really just can't stand myself most of the time. Because, like honestly, have you ever heard the shit that comes out of my mouth? I mean really I should really just get my mouth removed because that would be probably be better for humanity. ALSO CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE FREAKING HAMILTON GRAMMY PERFORMANCE? IT KILLED ME.

AND WHEN THEY WON A GRAMMY JUST LIKE LIN'S SPEECH AND JUST I'M DONE

So, how's my month been, you may ask? It's been good, I might answer. Actually I wouldn't say that my moth has been good. Not to say it has been bad, of course. It hasn't really been a anything at all. Since last I wrote you, not much has happened.
Mercy turned 17 this past Wednesday, which is pretty cool. I hope my dearest, that you had the loveliest of all birthdays! And that your 17th year will be the year in which you grow in your understand of the world and yourself, and I also hope that it is the year that Larry comes out, because I know that would bring you countless joys.

Mercy, as you all know, stayed last weekend, which was so nice. The thing I love about The Foursome is that the is literally no expectations in our friendship. When we hangout, no one is required to wear real pants and the majority of what we do is take naps and just sit in each others presence. Because just being together is enough. And when we do talk, we hold nothing back. We don't have to lie to one another about anything. Our relationship is like coming home again after you've been away a while, and getting to sleep in your own bed. It is safe. It is comfortable. And I don't think I'll ever be thankful enough for it.

This is for all of you <3

Enough of this cheesy nonsense.

I've read some pretty great books in the last month. Well, I've read a couple great books because I have school (read: I require a sloth-like amount of sleep everyday) and literally no attention span whatsoever. So I only read a couple of books this month, but they were all pretty good.
Firstly, Room by, Emma Donnoghue, (which was just made into a movie that is nominated for best picture at the Oscars).
It's the story of a college student who gets abducted when she is 19. The story is told from the point of view of her son Jack, who is the product of the abductors rape. Jack, who is 5, has only ever been in a single room. In his mind, Room is the whole world.
I was expecting it to be like, really depressing and hard to read, because kidnapping and rape are kind of, you know, heavy topics. However it wasn't.
It was just really good and you all need to read it/watch the movie because I know none of y'all have time to read books.

Secondly, I read We Were Liars by, E. Lockhart. I picked it up because John Green had a quote on the back of it and I needed to read some crappy young adult fiction. I went into this book with zero expectations. But I came out of it internally screaming like a legiteral maniac.
I can't tell you anything about this book without spoiling it or making it sound really really shitty, but believe me when I say it was one of the best young adult fiction books I've read in a long time.
And the freaking ending. It has this great plot twist ending that will absolutely destroy you, but it's totally called for.
It was so good. Just so good. You have to read it.

Another good book I  read this month was Speak by, Laurie Halse Anderson but I don't really have time to talk about it because it's almost midnight. It was just really good young adult fiction that you should definitely read. It really made me think.


This month was pretty alright book-wise I guess. Except for when I woke up Friday morning (read: afternoon) to discover that Harper Lee died, which kind of destroyed me. I know it's unreasonable to think  that I would ever get to meet her or whatever, but just knowing that she was alive and could still possibly write another book made me really hopeful. After she published To Kill a Mockingbird she couldn't write anything again and became essentially a hermit. And like, I get that she wrote one of the greatest works of American literature ever, but it still made me sad that she never wrote anything else. I mean, at least she was alive to see Go Set a Watchman published, but I don't know. She was just one of my favorite authors and she's not alive any more. And that makes me really sad. I spent my Friday night watching To Kill a Mockingbird on Netflix and trying not to cry. So that kind of sucked.
Also Donald Trump won the South Carolina primary, which made me lose just that much more faith in humanity.
So that was February.It was...a month.
Write you again next month.
-Rose

what

good evening Grace, it's satuarday.

yes, saturday at 10:46pm. i am THAT lazy.

it's Galentines day!

Grace I have a bunch of Valentines for you bc you deserve them. these are so great, get ready 

i know Nicholas is your one and only true bae so i obviously had to pick out a few special ones ;)



okay i dont know what to blog about so I'm gonna talk about my subtle self-loathing bc why not :)

do you ever just get tired of yourself? like sometimes im just like why mercy why are you so annoying i mean how do you even have friends??? like actually? i guess it makes sense that like 99% of my friends are from the internet bc they dont know me irl so they dont know how actually annoying i am.

I just dont know anymore?? like im not sad anymore or lonely or upset i just dont feel anything? ever? like idk i show so many signs of depression (and anxiety) and i never really thought about it till recently and i feel like i should do something about it but my mom doesn't take me seriously when i try to talk about it so i just sort of leave it alone?? anyway that's neither here nor there.

i just watch friends and eat ice cream and forget about feelings.

okay its literally 12:30 and ive gotten nowhere i need to go right now immediately.

goodnight i love you guys so much

rosie ill hear from you next (this) week??

xoxo,
Mercy