I can('t) do this, gurls.

good morning gurls, it's actually Saturday.

this picture speaks to my Anne Shirley soul :)

    I'm writing this early because I'll be working four shifts at work over the next three days, and right now, on this sunny Saturday morning, is the only time I'll really have to post before Monday. So here I am, future readers.

to go along with the apparent coffee/tea theme of this post

    Now is the portion of my post in which I would reply to Gracie, Mercy, and Rose's posts from last week...except none of us posted last week, since the Ege clan were in New Hampshire- not Cape Cod as I assumed (but you know what they say about assuming *winkwinkROSEwinkwink*).
    Next week it's the Backus family's turn at vacation, and we are actually going to the Cape. I should really say, "THEY are actually going to the Cape," because I am probably not leaving with them on Tuesday evening, and my heart is breaking. My ambiguous work schedule, lack of shopping I have accomplished for The Big C, and desire to squeeze in as many visits with my friends as I possibly can before I move out, are all preventing me from attending my last family vacation before college. Hence the heartbreak. HOWEVER, my amazing auntie -who is getting her master's degree in nursing at SHU and bought me my school hoodie when I committed and was generous enough to purchase my most expensive textbook when I got my course list- will be driving through Connecticut to the Cape on Friday- she owns the house we stay at every year. She offered to pick up I and Mary-Kate -also not going, also because of work: when did she become a nurse with a career?- and take us up for the weekend, so there's a good chance I'll be able to get in some family vacation time before everything I have ever known changes into what I have been dreaming of for ever so long.
    So, Cape Cod? Possibly.
    Jonathan's birthday party? Definitely maybe.
    Packing for school? I can't do it.
    I am literally incapable of packing. I still have to buy a backpack, a computer, and most of my textbooks, along with food, shower stuff, and a rug that my roommate approves of (Merton Hall has tile floors- ew). The list goes on, as well as my impatience. I like to have everything settled, but as of right now I have some notebooks and a box of granola bars packed in a chest of plastic drawers that will accompany me to Merton in just twelve days. I think I'm going to need a bit more to survive freshman year.
    I am also emotionally incapable of packing, without crying. Thursday night as I cleaned my room it actually hit me: only two weeks. Two weeks from right now I'll be moved in. Two weeks from right now I'll probably be at a choir rehearsal. Two weeks from right now I won't have Rosie's snoring to lull me to sleep. Two weeks from right now I'll be sharing a dorm room with someone who is almost a complete stranger.
    It hurt, an aching pain that feels almost like the one that typically accompanies my anxiety, not as icy as wintertime depression, but damn near close. But I also felt joy, this overwhelming excitement that can only come from God and knowing that although I may not feel like it, He has prepared me to start my next big adventure.
   And so the tears fell, and I welcomed their presence as they trailed down my cheeks and clung to my eyelashes. I realized that I wanted to feel this way. I invited these emotions to run their course through my tired young body, because feeling things in big, oceanic waves is the only way I am capable of moving forward in this briefly ironic journey known as life.
    I stood with my shaking palms braced against my dresser, my eyes directed at the scuffed wooden floor of my childhood bedroom, praising God for how He has made me feel. I used to never acknowledge I had emotions, but here I was as I am now, facing my feelings because I have learned (the hard way) that it's unhealthy to conceal. It's a lie, to myself, my friends, and God, when I say "I'm fine" while my heart is breaking. I'm learning, gurls. Learning and healing and it's all because of God. It's always all because of God.
    So I contacted my amazing friends, the ones I'm usually there for, and I was overjoyed when they were overwhelmingly there for me, comforting me and making me laugh through my tears:

    "This next season is gonna be so full of new/exciting things and soon you'll get so caught up in it you'll forget how sad it was in the transition" -Miss Megan

    "It's like the next chapter of a book. You're sad that the last chapter is over but you're excited to see what the next chapter will bring. Don't be afraid to open the next chapter...okay?" -Siobhany

    "I know that as scary and unfamiliar as it all seems now, you are going to have so many amazing experiences and meet so many cool people and have so many stories to tell. And yeah there's gonna be hard times. Times when all you want to do is go home. Times when you feel like you have no friends but the good times are gonna be so much better. And you're about 10 minutes from home so you can always go back on the weekends and such. And you can ALWAYS text me...it's gonna be great. Just wait:)" -Gracie

    I can do this, gurls. I just can't do this alone. And definitely not without some feels.

 ***

    This post was somewhat of a shout in the void, what really should have been a journal entry. But I woke up this morning and felt led to write this. And I read Gracie's latest blog post and felt even more inspired to write this. So I did. And I regret nothing.

    Mercy, I can't wait to read what you have to say on Tuesday.

    --Love from the Laura <33