I guess I'm just trying to deal with something new

aw gurls, I found a cute Thursday picture! I had to wade through all the ugly ones and all the 'Thirsty Thursday' disturbing pictures.. but I found one. And now I feel special and part of the cool kids club. 

Laura, your post was quite beautiful. Though I hate how almost every white Christian girl throws out the "I'm married to Jesus" line (or something like that), the way that you did it made me stop and think about it again and I immensely liked it. Something about your writing just makes me want to agree with whatever you say. 

but then Mercy came on Tuesday throwing out exactly how I've been feeling and suddenly I was believing everything that she said. The power of good writing. It's strong. 

ROSE. that is all

So on Monday, after I had read Laura's post, I was sitting on my bed and I started to write in my journal, to you gurls, and this is what spilled forth.

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it is Monday evening. I'm sitting on my bed in the quiet dusk. rain trickles down the windows and the fan spins lazily and only the prettiest kpop is allowed to float through my headphones. Gurls, I'm so peaceful right now. I have been since THP, but it seems to have all settled on me right now. I don't know if it is because the business of the past 2 weeks is gone. or the fact that I spent yesterday night with some cool people who I usually don't talk with. or maybe the fact that I've finally realized that we're in the heart of summer. or maybe it's because, like Laura said, God has given me a new found confidence and I'm using it to live my life peacefully and how I want. Guys, I don't want to ever go back to the middle school/early high school years when I thought any guy who looked at me was flirting and so I never made eye contact. never mind actually opening my mouth to talk. or when I never voiced an opinion or initiated anything. when social anxiety was always lurking there whenever I left the house. Yeah I'm still quiet and shy and get overwhelmed, scared, and confused easily. But I'm working on getting over it. 

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So that's how I was feeling on Monday, well come Tuesday and Wednesday and I'm filled with sudden doubts and fears and not because of strangers or new circumstances like I usually feel. Suddenly talking to my family and friends has become something that I'm questioning. I can't send a text without kicking myself for what I said. I feel like a total... loser? for even starting a conversation and I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me. I don't know. I was laying in bed last night. And I'd had long confusing conversations with a couple different people from youth group and we were trying to figure out carpooling and movie times and it put me in a really bad mood. And suddenly I didn't want to see them anyone. I wanted to turn my phone off, shut my bedroom door, and hide under my covers reading Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell (a fantastically funny book which should be read by y'all because I'm sure you'd all love it). So I'm thinking about all of this and feeling like crap and then I started thinking about my post and I'm like.... as soon as I decide to look this confidence in the face and realize it and start living it, I'm attacked with this social anxiety in completely new ways that I've never experienced before. yep... thanks for that. But then I called out to God and I'm just like "this is not from you." and I turned my attention from how bad I was feeling to prayer. And I prayed for the people that I thought I had been annoying and stupid for talking to. And this morning I do feel incredibly better. I did decide to not go to the movies for various reasons but in the back of my mind, I know that I'm rather relieved. Not that I don't like my friends... but what if they don't like me? I don't know. I guess I'm being stupid and insecure but I guess I'll get over it. I just get tired of people constantly changing their mind about me. Ever get those people who you think everything's all good and your friendship is pretty good, and then suddenly they seem really distant? That's sort of been happening with a couple different people. Or suddenly they seem to act really different around you or suddenly they have a new group of friends and I tend to just stand there for a long time, questioning myself. 

But you know what? I really don't want to think about this anymore. Because whatever has been making me question every friendship and every conversation I've ever had, can just go away. And I'm going to put up a bunch of Fearsome Foursome pins and Tumblr posts because I love you gurls. 

Sorry about this post. I wasn't expecting it come out this way. I'm just feeling really tired and worn out and I want to go finish my second book for the day and listen to some music... probably k-pop. I decided last night that it is a truth of the universe that k-pop will always put me in a better mood. 

I think that will be my music motto. Hope you guys have a beautiful weekend and we should fit in a phone call. <333 Grace