I'm really happy that Laura kind of gave a beautiful overview of the week on Monday and now I don't have to worry about that and I can just let my thoughts spill out everywhere and collect them in a semi-nice pile right here on this post. And hopefully it will make sense and it won't take me too long and I won't cry. That is my wish and prayer.
Okay.
Here's my thoughts on THP.
I went into THP with fear, doubts and not very high expectations. I was so excited for the whole week before and that's all I talked about but then on Sunday I started to feel this fear and doubt come creeping in and suddenly, I wasn't quite as excited. Then, the team I was so excited for, started to bum me out and Sunday nights worship service wasn't great. Things were building up so that for the first couple hours, I wasn't ready for the missions trip thing. But it quickly all changed. I think it started when I discovered that our team was exactly what I needed. I knew everybody and I liked everybody but I suddenly began to know everyone a bit better. See different sides to them. And something about our team was 100% perfect. I don't think I've missed group of people SO much in my entire life. If I don't talk to at least of those people each day, I get really sad. And I'm not exactly sure why that is. But it just sorta happened like that. And I think that's one of the bigger reasons why THP was so great for me. I've said it before, but I need to say it again, God knew what he was doing when he put the teams together. And we were so incredibly stupid to think otherwise. We complained about it and we couldn't get over it, but then I think we all became so overly thankful for the way the groups were set up and I feel ashamed that I doubted Gods perfect plan. We laughed, cried, served, loved, grew, changed, taught and learned. And I'm beyond grateful for those amazing people.
Another big thing would have to be on Wednesday night. Now.... you gurls know that I don't cry. So the fact that I was bawling my pretty little eyes out was something new. And I've talked to people about that night, and they've all agreed that it wasn't something where we all just got swept up in the emotional feeling. God was there. And he was working. In all of us.
I've struggled with others past mistakes, making me feel small, inferior, ugly person. I worry about how others see me and I worry about never finding a guy who will love me forever. I worry about my past and talking to people for such stupid reasons. And there are so many things that pile up that keep me from living freely in Christ. And it's a really sucky feeling. And I've always tried to push past it but I finally managed to fully be free as I lay on the floor of South Church, surrounded by the people who I love and who love me, tears streaming down my face in uncontrollable sobs. I was finally able to realize that God is always with me and I've been freed from the hurts and mistakes that others have made in my past. And I can release those feelings and be free. I also was able to let myself know that I am a beautiful daughter of a God and Father. And He loves me and cherishes me the way I have been created. Which is something that I haven't been able to let myself know for a long time.
Basically, this week wasn't perfect. There were bumps in it and I struggled in ways that I didn't see coming and there where some hard and humbling times. But that's what was awesome. God confronted me and it was necessary. And the people weren't perfect. (even though our group was nearly perfect). The guys were (and are still) obsessed with Disco Zoo and spent a lot of time playing that, Clayton and Laura were "fighting" the whole time, David got One Direction stuck up in my head all week, and Rose sat in a bush. (who's brilliant idea was that???) But in all it's dysfunctional glory, I miss it. Far too much.
And gurls, I feel like through this trip, we've gotten even closer. Because we've united in something far bigger than any of us. And as David said, service brings people closer. That common goal of bringing Christs light into a dark city is what brought us closer. That unity that we were all a part of. And... I can't even begin to express how... grateful I am. But more than grateful, I'm empowered, I'm inspired, I'm beyond happy, and I'm even sad. Sad that we don't live this way all the time.
But I'm trying to learn from it and take what I've learned. Sara and I started reading Habakkuk together over our different quiet times. And, though it hasn't been going perfectly, I'm glad that we started it.
I think that THP2014 is something that will stick with me for a really long time. I was really inspired to get connected in Hartford and help out more. I'm going to be a senior in the fall which gives me the right to boss everyone else around. So hopefully, we'll get the youth group into the city more than just once a year during THP. I was telling my Grandma about Gardner's House and she was really interested in volunteering there (as am I) and so I emailed Maggie today and hopefully we'll be able to go there some this summer and even into the school year and get involved over there.
Okay, I think I'm done. For now. I'll keep journaling, keep thinking about it and I might even write another post about it on my separate blog if I think of anything else to say. I know that this was messy and pretty choppy but that's still how my thoughts are. Swirling from all the experiences and all the love and everything.
And I'm counting down the days until next year
<3 Grace
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